Self and selfish prejudices shape the life stories we share with the world and ourselves. The good news: internal calculations will help us better understand our true identity.
Posted on December 3, 2021 | Commented by Taylor Woods
All parents want their children to succeed and can help them succeed. For some parents, this form of help entrusts their children to institutions and organizations, such as schools, sports teams, and religious groups. Parents from certain backgrounds believe that the professionals, volunteers, and experts of these organizations are most capable of helping their children succeed in modern America. Other parents do not trust these organizations, believing that their children can only succeed through their intervention and management. As with all parenting decisions, both parties strongly condemned each other. There is no clear way to prove or show that you are a good parent, no certainty, no badge, no single checklist. In this way, parents are like company managers, judging by the success of their team rather than their own achievements. Neither parents nor managers can absolutely control the internal or external environment in which the team operates, but they must use various tools to help them succeed.
Just as managers cannot control the market, the economy, and other aspects of the external environment, parents cannot control all aspects of the environment in which their children will operate. And, in most cases, they should not try. Learning to assess and navigate an environment full of obstacles is a necessary condition for success for adults. Learning which battles to fight, when to make concessions, and when to maintain your own advice are essential skills. Bulldozer parents are the parents who remove these obstacles for their children.
Young people have autonomy and independence and will soon live independently. Suppose they know how to effectively participate in conflicts and negotiate for desired results? In this case, they will be able to cope with noisy neighbors, vague instructions, and canteen meals they don't like. It is easy to say that we do not want our children to experience the obstacles and difficulties we encounter as teenagers and young people. Nevertheless, these difficulties, heartbreaks and setbacks have indeed made us. Encountering obstacles and difficulties is inevitable. Parents should teach their teenagers how to calibrate their feelings about the things that really matter, just like they did when they were toddlers. Yes, sometimes when the cookies are split, you won't get half of the same size, and sometimes you won't get the teacher you want. Does it matter in the long run? What can be learned from experience? For those with resources, please use bulldozers with caution.
A good manager has a team that continues to operate while she is on vacation. A good parent has a child, and when he is not watching, or when he leaves, he will continue to operate. When people are constantly hovering over their teenagers, they are called helicopter parents. Parents will hover for the safety of their children, pay attention to potential obstacles, and make sure they are on the right path. Technology can make this especially easy, because parents can track student performance on apps related to the school's learning management system, track location over the phone, and even observe their teenagers through webcams when they are away. This tracking behavior may have started when today’s teenagers were babies. Parents have radio monitors to monitor any noise in the crib, video surveillance of the nursery, and real-time updates of the caregiver, daycare, and nursery. Given that parents can easily pay attention to things and provide corrective suggestions and guidance, it is understandable that it is difficult to leave. Or maybe it's easy. When your child is ready to live independently, just delete the app and turn off the display. Consider not knowing where your children are at all times or what they are doing. Self-control is a skill and ability acquired through practice and learning the consequences of failure. This is not easy. Especially after sharing so much time together in 2020 and 2021, it may be difficult to keep your teenagers away from sight and mind. However, getting your hands off the steering wheel can enhance your teenager's ability to make independent decisions and live life.
One way that managers consider training new employees is as a scaffolding. With the entry of new employees, they are given more and more arduous tasks and receive less and less support. For example, an employee might check in every day and assign someone to answer questions about the first task. In the next task, the scope may be expanded, and check-ins may be performed once a week. An employee's first independent task may get a lower risk project. The same is true for teenagers. Continuously increase the difficulty of the task while reducing support. A good example is cooking. Although some teenagers are eager to enter the kitchen, others will be content with cereals if they have a choice. For teenagers who don’t like cooking, asking them to cook a whole meal for a family holiday can be overwhelming, and the cost of failure is high. Therefore, it may be difficult for parents to step back and let their children fail. On the other hand, let the teenagers start with a dish or a simple meal (ordering pizza is always a viable rescue option), let them explore the kitchen, and ask their parents to step back and allow failure. Generally speaking, when the risk is high, it is difficult for parents to fail their children. When it takes an hour before submitting a college application, it can be challenging to watch teenagers procrastinate. So, as parents begin to give up authority and control, start with easier tasks.
The emotional attachment and investment of parents to their children is something that managers do not have for employees. However, it may be helpful to consider parenting adolescents as a management task. In both cases, the goal is to be a self-motivated, efficient and happy person. Parking bulldozers, landing helicopters, and removing scaffolding are all parts of preparing parents and teenagers for college life.
Dr. Camille Johnson is a social psychologist and associate dean and professor at San Jose State University.
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Self and selfish prejudices shape the life stories we share with the world and ourselves. The good news: internal calculations will help us better understand our true identity.